Reflecting.

Lying down on my bed. Thoughts in my mind, overflowing.

Sometime is it really bad to look back at the past ?
Looking at the photos, asking what have I become now ?

I don't give a shit about everything. What's in my mind often is not care and not do anything, find the easiest way out. To think that not to care is the key to happy and to think that not to think is the key to simplicity.

I have changed to the point that I feel so real like as if this is me, but then again which is the real me ?
I feel hopeless as time and pathetic. Funny... cause for the fact that i keep saying my privates hopeless and pathetic, I didn't expect that the fact that I am gradually becoming like them or in fact worst.

At certain point of time, I really feel that have that slightest symptom of depression.

Just within this month I have learnt 3 meaningful quotes.
"Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain which grows up leaves, not thunder."
"If the people who cares about you stop scolding you and telling you off means that they have completely given up hope on you."
"Words are as empty if it is not accompanied together with actions."

To end off, I shall ponder upon these few questions.
What are the things that still make me happy?
What are the things that i still love?
What are the things that i will still care and fight to protect them?

Dear God,
I really hope as I pray to you each time, may you read my thoughts and take them away as you go through each of them. Thoughts in my mind are not coming out via words but they are just piling up each day as new thoughts come upon me. I just want to be simple and happy.

March was GREAT.

March was sooooo happy =D we will always stay like that, right ? Oh, and something great going to happen in July! Can't wait can't wait (= in the mean time, shall keep it a secret first !

March happenings.......

It's been awhile.

Can't really remember when was the last time i actually sit down and type out this shit again.

I have changed. Now the question to ask would be to what? Then followed by to what extent?
I have become more and more ignorant and apathetic. I totally feel ashamed of myself. I know nothing about what's happening outside of camp; my family, my friends and my girl. Some many things has happened and all i did was to stood there acting as if nothing happened waiting for weekends to pass and then back to camp 'NONE OF MY BUSINESS'.
I feel sooo lost each time when i book out, i just feel that i no longer fit in the world outside. I am just wasting my time away to do nothing but rest. How many useful things have i done over the weekends? I asked myself every time i book in to camp and the answer to that often is NONE !
I no longer give a shit care about what's going on around me and neither about what's wrong with myself. Have I given up?

The start of 2011 is already fogged up, how am I suppose to look forward to later part of the year.
I revert back to old self again, locking up/ hiding my feelings from people who care about me.

My dad seems to have a mild stroke? I guessed. See what I mean about being ignorant and apathetic. The only thing i know is that he can't move his muscle group on his shoulder to his hand, he hasn't been working for a week and that he is broke from the costly medical cost. He is currently going for physiotherapy now. Did i bother to ask further? NO! Feeling sooo ashamed that I am such a ungrateful brat.

I am also neither a romantic boyfriend or good boyfriend I realised. Why? I am always making her sad.

Yes. I am crying now, very emotional and depressed.

I am soooo sick that i have all these worries and unsolved problems that keep piling up.
I am going to sleep.
SO LEAVE ME ALONE FOR NOW !!!

I pray. :(

Nineteen 19.

Happy 19th Birthday my dear, yupp it's me here! =D hehe.
Ytd was a realli fun & great day, i enjoyed myself a lot and i hope u did enjoy too ! ♥
So the day started wif Mac Breakfast for dear (= early morning, went to buy breakfast and a small cake for the surprise bd celebrations for this Mr. Piggy =D by the time i reach his place, Mr.Piggy was sill sleeping soundly, then i started hearing complaintes from this pig's mummy, haha. even the mama also cant tahan him, and she asked me to hurry wake him up cus she tried doing so but failed =P
see? this is my Piggy Tan, well known for his sleep. hahaha !

I had a realli hard time waking him up. lol. he supppperr can laze in his bed. Haha. And i took video of him lazing in his bed. haha. But too bad, he dun allow me to post it online for sharing. Lol. he says it's onli for my own appreciation -.- aiya, no choice, his birthday so he Zui da. Mus listen to him =D haha.
*Anw, dear now i got ur ba bing in my hands, so u mus treat me nice nice k! if not...... hahaha* =P

After breakfast, he went to bathe while i busy preparing his mini surprise birthday celebrations !
The moment he finished, a small choco cake POP up right in front of him. The surprised and happy look on his face realli make me feel sooooo satisfied (=
Hmm...Ur smile realli make me feel everything i've done is worthwhile ♥

Then we went to Marina to catch a movie. Meet the parents. Quite a nice comedy show. At least i did laughed and dun think it's lame =) Next, off we go for our BIG FEAST at Suntec ! KUISHIN-BO !!

Omg... the food there were... Thumbs Up ! The fried oyster was so fresh, juicy and yummy. One of favourites. heehee.
There were tempura, sashimi, pasta, sushi, paper pot (this is heavenly, mus eat!), Big Fat crabby 'legs', choco fondue and many many more... all so delicious. haha. It was boy's 1st time there and the blurrr sotong him dirtied his shirt while trying v hard to pry open the crabby legs. haha. His look was soo soo funny ! (the serious face= kuku face= cuteee face) ♥
*dear when u see this, dun kill me pls!* heehee.

Ohya, forget to mention, my ultimate darling managed to get me the cheesy lobster (limited to 30 portions) haha. Was realli nicee. but i guess it would have been even nicer if we both weren't so full. haha. we realli were so full till i think my tummy exploding anytime. Haha. but i guess it's okay lar, once in awhile we should pamper ourselves, rite? ♥

Oh, one more thing. after that meal ytd, i managed to 'open' the fat crabby legs Nicely. You know the way when the whole big piece of crab meat will jus fall off from its shell when u open it? yupp! I finally mastered that skill ytd ! haha. Only me mastered that, my dear still dunno, it's okay lar, he is always so blurr de. hahah.

okay! fotos next.....

Mini choco cake =D

kuishin-bo =D

while waiting to be seated.

this is heavenly, both of us love this

crabs !

the yummy seafood (=

Choco fondue ♥

the cheesy Lobster !

deardear trying his best to figure out how to eat the crab

i open for him one.. =P

Dear favourite pose.

deardear, once again happy birthday! this is the 1st year we spent our birthdays together. I hope we will get to spent the rest of our life's bd together too ! Though u're born on boxing day, but u're not at all rough or violent. Haha. Instead u're always gentle, loving, caring and blurrrrr ♥ u're the nicest boyfren, i realli appreciate this r/s (=
i love u so much and i always will =D
lastly, uhhuh, aiyo, toitoi. hahhaa. muacks !

The Gap.

I really don't know how to begin with this post.

I think me and my mum started off with the wrong note and it just got worse after each conversation or incident. I just can't seems to communicate with her anymore and i can't remember when was the last time we actually had a real conversation. Everytime a few minutes into the conversation with her, i will always be angry/pissed with her without fail. I just don't know why.

Similarly to what happen just now. I am not going to talk about it cause it's bad enough that it spoils my day - day 1 after I touch down Singapore.

Dear God,
I just don't know what has gone into me and when this changes in me started, I can no longer communicate with my mum anymore. Everytime i talk to her i will always end up angry, i tried to control my temper but i still failed to. Lord, please help me control myself when i talk to her. Help me respect her. Help me understand that her intentions to me are good. Help me bridge the gap between the differences in mindset, thinking and ideology. Please change either one of our mindset so that we can communicate with each other without getting impatient or frustrated with each other. Dear Jesus, this has got to change soon for she's my mum, the one that plays an important role in my life/family. :( God, I am really really sad. I am really really upset. I don't understand why I will feel remorseful about my actions,attitude and the rude tone i gave to her and yet i can't do anything to prevent it. In your name God, I pray. Amen.

I am so sad and angry with myself now, I need a time of my own. :(
Sorry love, if I am not happy later. I was happy when i saw you this morning till i send you home. Pardon me for not telling you this in person, cause i don't want you to be sad or worry cause of me. : /

It's jus simply because i ♥ u.

Deardear, u're indeed so observant. U know me so well. U sense something happen to me. Sorry that i denied it just now. I realli dunwan you to be distracted because of me. I know only I can settle this. That's why i did not wan to tell you. You're always so concerned about me. You bought phonecards specially to call me despite all the expensive values. You make the effort to call me every night despite ur tiredness. You sms me sneakily in the middle of your outfield despite knowing that u're nt allowed to bring fone. You did so many things for me and i realli appreciate all these. The very least i can do for u now is to not let you worry. So dun angry when u see this post k! At least i'm being truthful to you here =D

i"ll onli say white lies to you now. I promise when you're back, i"ll be truthful to u. I also want to share with you all the problems that i'm facing now, but just that NOW is not the right time. So, one week has finally passed. Jus a few more weeks and i can get to see u again ! I can't wait for that day ♥♥

In the mean time, you mus jiayou jiayou k! Cannot always be so blur like a sotong when i'm not beside u. Hmm.. actually i think u're not blur inside right? Haha. If not why u're always appointed as the i/c for this and that =P

Night (=

Away.

Dar has gone overseas. And during this period there will be no contact between us, no talking over the phone, no skype, NOTHING =/ realli realli hope time flies during these few weeks.
We went out in the morning to do his last min shopping, bought his first-in-life, KOI and eventually, send him off to airport. wanted to drive him there... but daddy dun allow me to drive alone for such a far distance -.-

So ytd was the night.....

our dinner place.. ♥

my bf is always so cute ! haha ♥

on the skytrain...

his fav keychain (=

PS: Darling.. u mus take good care of urself in taiwan okay ! Must try to call home or call me if possible =D hmm.. fieldcamp sure gonna be tiring for u, so mus take good care of yourself over there. i"ll be fine over here, so dun worry for me kay. Die alr die alr.. u're only away for one day and i already miss u le =/

An exciting escape.

I'm not very bored. I'm a busy person, got many things waiting for me to do. HAHA. But i still feel like updating this dying blog. Heehee (:

oh, all these are jus some outdated fotos taken long long ago. our trip to Botanicccc Gardennn. haha. okay, i noe i'm slow cus it's my 1st time to botanic garden. The sun was HOT =/ but the date with darling is so fun! ♥ can't wait to go out wif u againnnn :D hee.

Botanic garden :)

That's how hot and bright the sun is that day =/

food that he prepared. heehee.

jump shots time !

♥ ♥

i like these 2 pics. so artistic, taken by ♥

it's the first time i come so close to swans. hee.

the yummy dessert shop = Must try !

so yummy! i'm sure going there again :)

How to be happier ?

There is no single cause of happiness – to be happier you need to work on several areas at once.
In a world in which there are more and more causes of unhappiness, happiness requires a conscious effort.
So, let's quickly get started here;

One must eradicate the following ten negative ways of thinking:
Thinking 1. Comparing with others.
Thinking 2. Greed.
Thinking 3. An all-or-nothing attitude.
Thinking 4. Perfectionism.
Thinking 5. Exaggeration of problems.
Thinking 6. Jumping to negative conclusions without good reason.
Thinking 7. Allowing negative emotions to overrule logical thought.
Thinking 8. Labelling yourself and others.
Thinking 9. Doing things you ‘should’ rather than things that make you happy.
Thinking 10. Taking responsibility for things that aren't your responsibility at all.

Next, one should also eradicate the following ten negative emotions:
Emotion 1. Anger.
Emotion 2. Blame.
Emotion 3. Cynicism.
Emotion 4. Hate.
Emotion 5. Revenge.
Emotion 6. Jealousy.
Emotion 7. Resentment.
Emotion 8. Suspicion.
Emotion 9. Indifference.
Emotion 10. Guilt.

I need this continue reading cause of the above alot of things seems to be happening to me.
What's wrong with me ? Do I really need this ?

It's been really long since i last seen you love.
I nv did miss you as much in the previous compared to this time round. You are my source of happiness and energy, your encouragement just keeps me going.

Please Lord, tell me what should I do and how am I suppose to carry on next ? Give me the strength and rest I need to carry on. Let me like Joshua, strong and courageous. I need my girl.
Amen.

Bored.

Need not further elaboration. =(